Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
