Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
