he wants to bone in the snuggie
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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