Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
