I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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