ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
