so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
