I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want her autograph on my taint
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He did a backflip because drugs
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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