Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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