i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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