He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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