There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
