I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just fell off a train. Bad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
