i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize