Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
