Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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