i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
