well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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