This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
