if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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