Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
