SEEEEXXX PLEASE
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize