I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
