you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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