I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
