watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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