Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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