Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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