my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
