As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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