My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize