God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
