They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize