Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
