his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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