I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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