I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
