o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
