i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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