You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
