I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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