we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize