We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
