...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
