Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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