why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize