I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
