I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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