True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I just went to clothing optional bar
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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