If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize