I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
