I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
