I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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