you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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