I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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