there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
