Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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