i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
