On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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