There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
