What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
