Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Randomize
